7 Tips for Parents of Teens Dealing with School Stress

As a teen counselor, many teens and parents come to my office seeking help for school-stress related issues.  These can include, but are by no means limited to:

• School related panic attacks

• Perfectionism leading to spending way too much time on homework and severe anxiety

• Competitiveness leading to unhappiness and low self-esteem

• Fear/anxiety related to college entrance exams, applying for and being rejected from colleges

• Feeling defeated, leading to giving up on school or avoidance of school/school work

• Feeling socially isolated or rejected from their peers

With teen depression and anxiety on the rise, it is important for parents to understand how to offer their children a more balanced, healthy approach to education.  It is easy for parents to fall into the same unhealthy thinking as their children, or for parents to unintentionally support the belief systems that contribute to their children's anxiety prone perspective.  

Here, I offer 7 tips on how parents can teach and model a more healthy perspective on education.  Following these tips can help parents maintain the importance of education while supporting their children's mental health and emotional well-being.  

1.  Teach the Mantra:  Work/Life Balance

Work (which includes school) is an important part of life.  That said, work is only ONE OF MANY important aspects of a healthy and happy existence.   When we preach the mantra that work/life balance is important, we are helping our teenager realize the many other aspects that lead to a healthy, happy life.   In my practice, I like to have clients draw a pie-chart to identity a more inclusive perspective on healthy and holistic living.   I divide the pie-chart into 8 slices with work/school being 1/8th of the total pie.  Then, we fill the remaining slices with other, important aspects of life.  Some examples include: spending time in nature, sports, self-care, spirituality, family time, music, mindfulness, doing things for the greater good, friendship, health, eating well, animals/pets, reading, art, creating, relaxing, outdoor adventures, politics, helping others.  

2.  Teach the Lesson:  There are many roads to success.  

Teenagers are often short sighted when it comes to their ideas on how they will become successful.  Often, they incorrectly believe that success will only come to them if they go to their #1 college pick, or achieve a 4.0 GPA.  Though these things cannot hurt when it comes to the road of success, they are not mandatory.  A much healthier perspective is helping them realize that success has many roads.  This can be taught by sharing success stories of people who did not take the traditional or most obvious routes.  This can also be taught by helping your teenager identify a long term goal, and outlining multiple, different paths that can lead there.  Did you know that Tom Hanks and Aaron Rodgers went to Community College prior to making advancements towards their dream jobs of becoming an actor and professional football player?

3. Teach them how to prioritize. 

Real life success entails finding what you're truly passionate about and making professional gains in those areas.   It is fine to expect your teen to get decent grades in all subjects, but it is equally important to help your teenager get excited about those few subjects or activities they are MOST excited about.  Also, once they get into the work force it will be important for them to learn how to prioritize work assignments.  There are tasks and assignments that are more important to complete first or put the most effort into.  There are other tasks and assignments that may need to wait a day, or where saving time is more important than being perfect.   They can start learning this important skill in school.  They should not be perfectionists when it comes to all assignments in all classes if it comes at a personal detriment (like getting only 5 hours or less of sleep each night).  Yes, study hard for a Final Exam, but notice if you are spending the same amount of time studying for a 5 question quiz.  

4.  Teach a NEW definition of intelligence.   

Instead of defining intelligence as "book smart," discuss intelligence as the ability to adapt successfully in your current situation.   Adaptation may mean getting good grades, but it also means feeling happy, having healthy relationships, and finding meaning in what you do.   If your teenager is too stressed about school, they may actually have difficulty concentrating or being creative.  They also may be struggling with their family and peer relationships.  They may not be getting outside and exercising their body.   Teach that emotional intelligence (including self-care) is as important as academic intelligence.  

5.  Self Care, Self Care, Self Care

Does your teenager really understand how to take good care of their emotional SELF?  My experience has been that teenagers are often lacking appropriate self-care.  Many teenagers are sleeping less than 6 hours a night, drinking energy drinks, and not getting nearly enough sunshine.   The biggest self-care tip is to SLOW DOWN, and include mindfulness practices throughout your daily routine.   Mindfulness is paying attention to the current moment and nothing else.  It is a mini-vacation from worry about the past, and stressing about the future.  Other simple self-care tips include eating well, getting enough sleep, doing a pleasurable activity, exercising, getting out into the sunshine, laughing, and connecting with others.  

6.   Have your teenager get involved in something bigger than themselves.  

Depressed and anxious thoughts tend to be egocentric - meaning they are focused on us as individual entities.  In order to fight off depression and anxiety, we can participate in things that take us outside ourselves and into the larger problems of the world.  This can include getting involved in your community, or finding a specific cause to fight for.  It is much harder to be overly focused on our own problems when you are focused on fighting community hunger, walking for donations for breast cancer, or volunteering at the local humane society.   Work with your children to find out what it is (outside of their own lives) that matters to them.  I'm always impressed at how altruistic and philanthropic my teenage clients can be once they are encouraged to seek their role in the greater good.   

7.  Take a look at your own life.  

Finally, parents should become self-aware about their own patterns and habits in the home environment.   Role modeling a healthy work/life balance is the best way you can teach your teenager about balance and emotional well being.   Are you consistently working through dinner or late into the night?  Do you have your own extracurricular activities outside of work and family time?  Do you engage in self-care activities?  Are you involved in something bigger than yourself?  Do you highlight those life successes that came in unexpected ways?  When were some times where you "failed" in a moment, but the end result was actually successful?     

By:  Denver Wellness Counseling;  www.denverwellnesscounseling.com