Inviting in the BAD - What We Can Learn By Taking a Curious Approach Towards Our "Bad" Feelings
Feelings are not "bad" or "good." They are solely informative. If anything, it is our response to our emotions that can get us into trouble. The good news is, we have more control over our responses to emotion, than the actual experience of emotion itself. All emotion serves a purpose, and our mindful connection to emotions is imperative to our survival and our well-being.
Too often we ignore or push away negative emotion. The reasons for this are varied and complex. Culture or the manner in which we were raised can lead us to think that certain emotions are “bad” and should not be acknowledged, expressed, or responded to. Recognizing and experiencing our emotions can be uncomfortable and time consuming – two additional reasons why we may choose to ignore or “stuff” them.
Think about your body’s emotional awareness like the dashboard to your car. The car dashboard tells you information about what is going on (good or bad) deep within the car, and makes it possible for you to respond appropriately. We would not want to ignore the fact that our car is overheating or out of gas. Though uncomfortable at times, we ultimately appreciate the information so we are able to respond and keep our car (and thus our bodies) safe and out of harm’s way.
In my therapy practice, my clients and I often discover that certain emotions have been ignored, “stuffed,” or labeled as “bad” and exiled from awareness. After a discussion on the benefit of experiencing and learning from our emotions, I invite clients to take a curious and non-judgmental stance towards a “bad” emotion of their choice. In essence, we agree to “invite in” the emotion that has previously been ignored with a simple goal to learn from it, see what purpose it is serving, and honor it. By “honoring” the emotion, I mean giving respect to its origin, and what it may be trying to teach us. This non-judgmental and curious stance creates a path for increased understanding and a road to healing.
[Side note: Sometimes in more severe cases of trauma certain emotions are an access point to the traumatic memory and the overwhelming experiences that go with it. In these cases, more work would be done to stabilize the client and prepare the client to do this work of accessing difficult emotions. In these cases, dissociation (avoidance, numbing) may be keeping the client safe and should be considered in the course of treatment. Containment and grounding should be coached, practiced, and easily accessible for clients with a trauma history.]
In one recent example, Anne, a woman in her late 40’s, came to therapy in the midst of a messy divorce. She had not been the one to suggest the divorce and was profoundly hurt and worried about her future. Her reason for coming to therapy was her worry that she would have to “start over” and wondering whether she was “too old” to find love again. Initially, she denied feeling anger, and it was evident over time that anger was a very uncomfortable emotion for her to express anywhere in her life. Once we were able to “invite in” the anger, it was easy to see how it was trying to be helpful to Anne. The anger actually served as a tool for self-protection, and helped Anne find the motivation and courage to seek legal counsel and protect her rights. Additionally, anger made her body feel incredibly energized and at times, even explosive. Connecting with these physical emotions helped her find new paths to healing. Anne began kickboxing as a way to expel energy, and finding support in friends who could validate her frustration and share in her pain. In therapy, she worked on finding words that represented her anger, helping her make meaning out of the divorce, and leading to full acceptance of her fate and excitement for her future.
Here are 5 steps to get you started on the process of “inviting in” the uncomfortable emotions in your life:
1. Honestly reflect about your emotions. Keep a list of emotion words handy and look over the list, checking any and all emotions that you may be experience. Be honest, and check any emotion that you may be feeling, even just a little. Journaling is another way to track your emotional experiences and build insight and awareness.
2. Mindfully re-connect your dashboard wires. Try to read your emotions and identify how they feel in your body. Where do you feel certain emotions? Do they present as heat, energy, discomfort, tightness, etc? Can you detect any shifts in your body when you access the emotion?
3. Take a non-judgmental stance. Don’t think of the emotion in terms of good vs. bad. Instead, just think of the emotion as a wave you are experiencing and a tool to learn more about what your body and mind are experiencing. What is that emotion trying to tell you?
4. Identify the purpose of the emotion. How may this emotion be helpful or serve a purpose in your current situation? Your therapist can help you on this one. Remember, all emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, are important and deserve respect. Giving that emotion a safe space (such as your therapist's office) to express itself is healing.
5. Ask yourself whether there are words (or thoughts) that accompany that emotion? Journal these, or share with your therapist. Can those words uncover belief systems or opinions that live inside you? Can they help you gain insight into your situation? Can you use these words to make meaning over the situation? Can your increased insight help you gain acceptance or move on?
